Looking on the Bright Side

There is a song from the musical "Spam-a-Lot" (also from a Monty Python movie) called "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life." If you've ever listened to it and know the melody, it will now be stuck in your head for the rest of the day. (I know it will be stuck in mine.) And although the song setting is irreverent, I think the song's message is great, especially for me, a perfectionist, who tends to see the flaws in everything instead of the good.

In our life's quest to be better and to improve ourselves, it is easy to look at every situation with a critical eye.  To ask ourselves, "What went wrong?" or "How could this or that improve?" or "What could I do better next time?" And those questions are great if we are taking stock of our lives and making a plan to work harder.  But often instead of asking questions to work harder we just make judgmental statements:  "Wow! that was stupid." or "I should have seen that coming." or "Why are you so dumb?" or "Why can't you do anything right?"

In my quest to become a non-perfectionist, I have learned that if I will stop and look and the good, my whole life and attitude are better.  It sounds simple.  It also sounds like something we've heard over and over from all different sources.  And I'm great at looking at the best in strangers.  When I see people on T.V. or I step into someone's house, I can see all the great things about them:  how beautiful they are, what great fingernails they have, what perfectly coifed hair, what gorgeous furniture, what clean carpet...etc, etc.  But when I look and my life and the people closest to me, I see all the flaws and things that make us not as good as everybody else.

I'm just going to give one personal example here of how looking on the bright side, or looking at the good has changed a significant thing in my life.  A few years ago, I heard a "Deliah" radio broadcast in which a listener had sent in a letter about how wonderful her husband was and all the great things he did for her.  One of those things was that he called her from work just to see how she was.  For some reason that hit me like a ton of bricks and I began sobbing.  Why?  Because my husband called me from work nearly every day.  Sometimes he called at a really inconvenient time and I'd be short or cross with him.  Sometimes he didn't have anything to say to me and in my practical world if you call someone you should have a reason and I'd just be annoyed.  The whole letter from this caller was about all the tiny things her husband did for her and how much she loved him for it.

After sobbing all the way home, I took a long hard look at my life and my attitude toward my husband.  I realized how judgmental I had been.  How often he did things for me and I just took them for granted, I'd just think that was what a husband was supposed to do and I'd expect more.  After all he wasn't perfect.  It has taken me years to see though my perfectionist tendencies and to start to notice all of the "little" things that are so wonderful about him, instead of picking at the "little" annoyances.  Those annoyances are so easy to overlook and become meaningless when compared with the "little" great things he does.  Here are just a few of the great "little" things he does every day.  When he has a job that allows it, he calls in the middle of the day just to see how I'm doing.  He gives up his free time to drive kids to various activities, including early morning religious study, because he knows I don't like to drive. When he's home and has time he washes the dishes after dinner to give me a break. He's supported me in being a stay at home mom sometimes even working as many as four jobs because he knows how important it is for me to be home with the kids. I could go on and on but I'll mention just one more and that is that I can count on one hand the number of times he has lost his temper with me.  Even through all of the times I've been an over perfectionist and picky and lost my temper with him, he has remained patient and loving.

Looking for the good instead of trying to change what I perceived as the not perfect has improved my life more than I could ever imagine. (And just so you know.  I'm still not perfect at looking for the good, it takes daily effort to squash out those perfectionist voices and replace them with seeing what is great.)

TMW DNR

"To Many Words, Did Not Read"  That is what "Johnny 5" said to me after reading one of my blog posts. And because of his comment and my perfectionistic tendencies, I stopped writing the blog.  Oh yes he also commented on the fact that it was rambly and hard to follow.

This is just one example of how I let my being a perfectionist rule my life.  Because one person did not find what I had written helpful and made a cutting remark (and lets not forget that this person was a teenager) I just quit.

To a perfectionist it is 100% or nothing.  Getting 99% is the same as failing.  Anything less than perfect is failing.

Can you see how debilitating this can be?  I think we all are afraid of failure to one extent or another.  But this all or nothing attitude really limits what I did.  I still find my thought patterns wandering there and it takes effort to let go.

I have a lot of stories and thoughts on perfection.  Society's idea of perfection. What the scripture "Be ye therefore perfect" actually means and other confessions of a perfectionist.

 I'm hoping that getting them out of my head and onto paper will help me take the next step.  I told my husband this morning that I don't look at life as a great challenge to overcome and each day as a new adventure like he does.  I look at it as a lot of overwhelming things I have to do at which I'm never good enough.  I wake up in the morning and want to hide because everything I do points to my imperfection.

There is a quote I love “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow what a ride!”

Someday I hope to be able to say "What a ride" but now I just "get through" one event after another.

I'm a perfectionist

I began this blog over a year ago to explore the fact that I am a perfectionist, to laugh at my imperfections, and to help with my "recovery"

I'm sure you are asking yourself why I view being a perfectionist as a bad thing.  Aren't we commanded to "Be perfect"? And yes we are but I will submit that being a perfectionist is nearly the opposite of the commandment to "be ye perfect even as your Father in Heaven is perfect."

Being a perfectionist means requiring that I'm perfect and everyone around me is perfect.  It allows for no mistakes and don't even think about 2nd chances.  And if I can't do something to my standard...I just don't do it.  Or I quit even trying.  So, being a perfectionist doesn't mean that my house is perfect and my children are perfect and my life is exactly how I want it to be.  Rather, the opposite occurred.  My life is totally out of control because trying to keep it perfect was so overwhelming that eventually I had a total breakdown.

This happened over 13 years ago, and as part of my learning to not be perfect, I can willingly admit that severe depression and anxiety ruled my life, but that story is for another post.  It took me several years of just existing to get myself out of that cycle and realize and admit that, although hormone and stress levels converged exactly right to unbalance my brain chemicals, I also had some thought patterns and life patterns that if changed could help me live a happier life.

It is not easy and I struggle with letting go of perfection every day.  So what if I scrub my kitchen all day and there are still fingerprints on the fridge or the 4 year old spills his juice all over?  Instead of just giving up and not cleaning at all, at least realize that it is a little cleaner.  So what if no matter how hard I diet and exercise, I will never look like a model.  At least I will be healthier and more energetic.

It is a long road and one that I feel I've traveled slowly.  But hopefully with humor and the support of loving friends I'll eventually get there.