TMW DNR

"To Many Words, Did Not Read"  That is what "Johnny 5" said to me after reading one of my blog posts. And because of his comment and my perfectionistic tendencies, I stopped writing the blog.  Oh yes he also commented on the fact that it was rambly and hard to follow.

This is just one example of how I let my being a perfectionist rule my life.  Because one person did not find what I had written helpful and made a cutting remark (and lets not forget that this person was a teenager) I just quit.

To a perfectionist it is 100% or nothing.  Getting 99% is the same as failing.  Anything less than perfect is failing.

Can you see how debilitating this can be?  I think we all are afraid of failure to one extent or another.  But this all or nothing attitude really limits what I did.  I still find my thought patterns wandering there and it takes effort to let go.

I have a lot of stories and thoughts on perfection.  Society's idea of perfection. What the scripture "Be ye therefore perfect" actually means and other confessions of a perfectionist.

 I'm hoping that getting them out of my head and onto paper will help me take the next step.  I told my husband this morning that I don't look at life as a great challenge to overcome and each day as a new adventure like he does.  I look at it as a lot of overwhelming things I have to do at which I'm never good enough.  I wake up in the morning and want to hide because everything I do points to my imperfection.

There is a quote I love “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow what a ride!”

Someday I hope to be able to say "What a ride" but now I just "get through" one event after another.

I'm a perfectionist

I began this blog over a year ago to explore the fact that I am a perfectionist, to laugh at my imperfections, and to help with my "recovery"

I'm sure you are asking yourself why I view being a perfectionist as a bad thing.  Aren't we commanded to "Be perfect"? And yes we are but I will submit that being a perfectionist is nearly the opposite of the commandment to "be ye perfect even as your Father in Heaven is perfect."

Being a perfectionist means requiring that I'm perfect and everyone around me is perfect.  It allows for no mistakes and don't even think about 2nd chances.  And if I can't do something to my standard...I just don't do it.  Or I quit even trying.  So, being a perfectionist doesn't mean that my house is perfect and my children are perfect and my life is exactly how I want it to be.  Rather, the opposite occurred.  My life is totally out of control because trying to keep it perfect was so overwhelming that eventually I had a total breakdown.

This happened over 13 years ago, and as part of my learning to not be perfect, I can willingly admit that severe depression and anxiety ruled my life, but that story is for another post.  It took me several years of just existing to get myself out of that cycle and realize and admit that, although hormone and stress levels converged exactly right to unbalance my brain chemicals, I also had some thought patterns and life patterns that if changed could help me live a happier life.

It is not easy and I struggle with letting go of perfection every day.  So what if I scrub my kitchen all day and there are still fingerprints on the fridge or the 4 year old spills his juice all over?  Instead of just giving up and not cleaning at all, at least realize that it is a little cleaner.  So what if no matter how hard I diet and exercise, I will never look like a model.  At least I will be healthier and more energetic.

It is a long road and one that I feel I've traveled slowly.  But hopefully with humor and the support of loving friends I'll eventually get there.