I began this blog over a year ago to explore the fact that I am a perfectionist, to laugh at my imperfections, and to help with my "recovery"
I'm sure you are asking yourself why I view being a perfectionist as a bad thing. Aren't we commanded to "Be perfect"? And yes we are but I will submit that being a perfectionist is nearly the opposite of the commandment to "be ye perfect even as your Father in Heaven is perfect."
Being a perfectionist means requiring that I'm perfect and everyone around me is perfect. It allows for no mistakes and don't even think about 2nd chances. And if I can't do something to my standard...I just don't do it. Or I quit even trying. So, being a perfectionist doesn't mean that my house is perfect and my children are perfect and my life is exactly how I want it to be. Rather, the opposite occurred. My life is totally out of control because trying to keep it perfect was so overwhelming that eventually I had a total breakdown.
This happened over 13 years ago, and as part of my learning to not be perfect, I can willingly admit that severe depression and anxiety ruled my life, but that story is for another post. It took me several years of just existing to get myself out of that cycle and realize and admit that, although hormone and stress levels converged exactly right to unbalance my brain chemicals, I also had some thought patterns and life patterns that if changed could help me live a happier life.
It is not easy and I struggle with letting go of perfection every day. So what if I scrub my kitchen all day and there are still fingerprints on the fridge or the 4 year old spills his juice all over? Instead of just giving up and not cleaning at all, at least realize that it is a little cleaner. So what if no matter how hard I diet and exercise, I will never look like a model. At least I will be healthier and more energetic.
It is a long road and one that I feel I've traveled slowly. But hopefully with humor and the support of loving friends I'll eventually get there.
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I'm currently using the 12 steps program to work on control and power issues, have you ever thought of using them with perfectionism? Its amazing how powerful this journey has been for me. Just a though. I love you!
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