Not "One of those Days"

I slept in.  I can't seem to get my internal clock readjusted after our trip to Utah.

"Princess" is doing her school work and I'm teaching her.

"Jack-Jack" is whining and crying that "red bird" is lost.  He is hopelessly addicted to his angry bird collection and if one is lost, life stops until it is found.  "Peter Pan" helps him look for a while but has his own school work to do.

"Peter Pan" goes to get the mail. "Jack-Jack" tries to follow, leaves the door open and the dog escapes.

I get "Princess" started on something she can do by herself and search the entire house and car for Red Bird with a whining, crying "Jack-Jack" following saying "where is red bird" he has almost decided he left it at the store (which would be a tragedy.)

"Peter Pan" gets back with the mail and "Jack-Jack" tears open all of the junk mail.

I walk through the living room and inadvertently discover red bird behind some boxes nearly under the couch.  I then realize that the dog hasn't been following me this whole time so "Peter Pan" goes out looking for him.

"Jack-Jack" is hungry and needs a snack.  I get it for him.

"Peter Pan" comes in carrying a very wet muddy dog.  We don't have time to bathe him now so he has to be locked in the kennel from which he wines and barks.

I try to finish up "Princesses" schooling as I have an appointment.  I smell something so I ask "Jack-Jack" if he is stinky.  He says "No but I'm wet" I go to change his underpants and discover that he is indeed stinky so now there is another mess to clean.  (He's 4 1/2 when will he "get it" and be potty trained?)

Yes, this is what happened here in a 30 min time span.  Is it just one of those days?  No, craziness happens on a daily basis here.  Our homeschool is aptly named because we seem to always be in C.H.A.O.S.!

Looking on the Bright Side

There is a song from the musical "Spam-a-Lot" (also from a Monty Python movie) called "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life." If you've ever listened to it and know the melody, it will now be stuck in your head for the rest of the day. (I know it will be stuck in mine.) And although the song setting is irreverent, I think the song's message is great, especially for me, a perfectionist, who tends to see the flaws in everything instead of the good.

In our life's quest to be better and to improve ourselves, it is easy to look at every situation with a critical eye.  To ask ourselves, "What went wrong?" or "How could this or that improve?" or "What could I do better next time?" And those questions are great if we are taking stock of our lives and making a plan to work harder.  But often instead of asking questions to work harder we just make judgmental statements:  "Wow! that was stupid." or "I should have seen that coming." or "Why are you so dumb?" or "Why can't you do anything right?"

In my quest to become a non-perfectionist, I have learned that if I will stop and look and the good, my whole life and attitude are better.  It sounds simple.  It also sounds like something we've heard over and over from all different sources.  And I'm great at looking at the best in strangers.  When I see people on T.V. or I step into someone's house, I can see all the great things about them:  how beautiful they are, what great fingernails they have, what perfectly coifed hair, what gorgeous furniture, what clean carpet...etc, etc.  But when I look and my life and the people closest to me, I see all the flaws and things that make us not as good as everybody else.

I'm just going to give one personal example here of how looking on the bright side, or looking at the good has changed a significant thing in my life.  A few years ago, I heard a "Deliah" radio broadcast in which a listener had sent in a letter about how wonderful her husband was and all the great things he did for her.  One of those things was that he called her from work just to see how she was.  For some reason that hit me like a ton of bricks and I began sobbing.  Why?  Because my husband called me from work nearly every day.  Sometimes he called at a really inconvenient time and I'd be short or cross with him.  Sometimes he didn't have anything to say to me and in my practical world if you call someone you should have a reason and I'd just be annoyed.  The whole letter from this caller was about all the tiny things her husband did for her and how much she loved him for it.

After sobbing all the way home, I took a long hard look at my life and my attitude toward my husband.  I realized how judgmental I had been.  How often he did things for me and I just took them for granted, I'd just think that was what a husband was supposed to do and I'd expect more.  After all he wasn't perfect.  It has taken me years to see though my perfectionist tendencies and to start to notice all of the "little" things that are so wonderful about him, instead of picking at the "little" annoyances.  Those annoyances are so easy to overlook and become meaningless when compared with the "little" great things he does.  Here are just a few of the great "little" things he does every day.  When he has a job that allows it, he calls in the middle of the day just to see how I'm doing.  He gives up his free time to drive kids to various activities, including early morning religious study, because he knows I don't like to drive. When he's home and has time he washes the dishes after dinner to give me a break. He's supported me in being a stay at home mom sometimes even working as many as four jobs because he knows how important it is for me to be home with the kids. I could go on and on but I'll mention just one more and that is that I can count on one hand the number of times he has lost his temper with me.  Even through all of the times I've been an over perfectionist and picky and lost my temper with him, he has remained patient and loving.

Looking for the good instead of trying to change what I perceived as the not perfect has improved my life more than I could ever imagine. (And just so you know.  I'm still not perfect at looking for the good, it takes daily effort to squash out those perfectionist voices and replace them with seeing what is great.)

TMW DNR

"To Many Words, Did Not Read"  That is what "Johnny 5" said to me after reading one of my blog posts. And because of his comment and my perfectionistic tendencies, I stopped writing the blog.  Oh yes he also commented on the fact that it was rambly and hard to follow.

This is just one example of how I let my being a perfectionist rule my life.  Because one person did not find what I had written helpful and made a cutting remark (and lets not forget that this person was a teenager) I just quit.

To a perfectionist it is 100% or nothing.  Getting 99% is the same as failing.  Anything less than perfect is failing.

Can you see how debilitating this can be?  I think we all are afraid of failure to one extent or another.  But this all or nothing attitude really limits what I did.  I still find my thought patterns wandering there and it takes effort to let go.

I have a lot of stories and thoughts on perfection.  Society's idea of perfection. What the scripture "Be ye therefore perfect" actually means and other confessions of a perfectionist.

 I'm hoping that getting them out of my head and onto paper will help me take the next step.  I told my husband this morning that I don't look at life as a great challenge to overcome and each day as a new adventure like he does.  I look at it as a lot of overwhelming things I have to do at which I'm never good enough.  I wake up in the morning and want to hide because everything I do points to my imperfection.

There is a quote I love “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow what a ride!”

Someday I hope to be able to say "What a ride" but now I just "get through" one event after another.

I'm a perfectionist

I began this blog over a year ago to explore the fact that I am a perfectionist, to laugh at my imperfections, and to help with my "recovery"

I'm sure you are asking yourself why I view being a perfectionist as a bad thing.  Aren't we commanded to "Be perfect"? And yes we are but I will submit that being a perfectionist is nearly the opposite of the commandment to "be ye perfect even as your Father in Heaven is perfect."

Being a perfectionist means requiring that I'm perfect and everyone around me is perfect.  It allows for no mistakes and don't even think about 2nd chances.  And if I can't do something to my standard...I just don't do it.  Or I quit even trying.  So, being a perfectionist doesn't mean that my house is perfect and my children are perfect and my life is exactly how I want it to be.  Rather, the opposite occurred.  My life is totally out of control because trying to keep it perfect was so overwhelming that eventually I had a total breakdown.

This happened over 13 years ago, and as part of my learning to not be perfect, I can willingly admit that severe depression and anxiety ruled my life, but that story is for another post.  It took me several years of just existing to get myself out of that cycle and realize and admit that, although hormone and stress levels converged exactly right to unbalance my brain chemicals, I also had some thought patterns and life patterns that if changed could help me live a happier life.

It is not easy and I struggle with letting go of perfection every day.  So what if I scrub my kitchen all day and there are still fingerprints on the fridge or the 4 year old spills his juice all over?  Instead of just giving up and not cleaning at all, at least realize that it is a little cleaner.  So what if no matter how hard I diet and exercise, I will never look like a model.  At least I will be healthier and more energetic.

It is a long road and one that I feel I've traveled slowly.  But hopefully with humor and the support of loving friends I'll eventually get there.

Hot Pockets Again?

I don't know what it is about spring but the nutrition at our house goes right out the window.  Maybe it's the great weather. Maybe it's that I've been cooking every night throughout the winter and I'm tired of cooking.  Or maybe it's all of the spring activities. But every year about this time, dinner time really sufferes.

A few years ago we had a "Hot Pocket Spring"  I think we went though a box of 12 every couple of days.  One year, we had egg sandwiches every other day.  And this year is turning out to be a "fix it yourself or starve" kind of year. 

Do any of the rest of you suffer from the "Can't seem to cook in the Springtime" syndrome? And if so, how to you combat the urge to eat junk?

My Three year Old Photographer.

I love digital cameras.  When my older kids were little they always wanted to take pictures.  And sometimes if had a little extra in the budget I'd let them take a couple of pictures.  I hated to pay for film and developing for the kind of pictures they'd take. 

But digital camera's are great.  I try to keep mine away from the little ones but every once in a while "Jack-Jack" get a hold of it and when I upload my photo's I have a lot of very interesting pictures.  Usually I just delete them but I thought I'd share a few with you.

 This one is of spilled bird seed on our back patio.

 This one is either his shirt or his eye.  Sometimes he thinks you look through the lens instead of the view finder.

 This is his shirt and foot.  Looking down.

A self portrait?

Do you think he has potential?

The Golden Rule is a Load of Crock!!!

"Do unto others and you would have others do to you." On the surface it seems like a pretty good idea and, I'll admit, that there are a lot of things for which this holds true.  For instance, I really don't want anyone to haul off and punch me so I don't go around punching people.  Also, I like to be smiled at so I'll try to smile and be friendly to people I meet.  But there are some cases where the "Do unto other..." bit backfires. Let me illuminate with a couple of examples.

When I was a teenager, I hated it when my family made a big deal out of me going to prom or on a date.  I just wanted it to be treated like it was a normal part of life, like dating was what every one did and I didn't want any special notice for it.  So when I had teenagers old enough to date, I tried not to make a big deal of it.  I didn't tease them about their "boy/girlfriend." I didn't go all "ga, ga" over where they'd be going etc. etc.  Well, come to find out, that is exactly what "Belle" wished I would have done.  She hated it that I didn't make a big deal of her first date, or croon over her prom dresses.  So in treating her as I wanted to be treated I actually offended her.  Oops.

Here is another example.  I hate being interrupted.  I hate to be interrupted when I'm reading a book.  I hate to be interrupted when I'm cooking dinner. I hate to be interrupted when I am on the phone.  I think it is very inconsiderate of people to shut off the television or change channels in the middle of something someone else is watching.  So I try very hard not to interrupt people when they are busy.  "Roger" on the other hand, does not mind being interrupted.  He actually thinks that it is nice to let people know you are there and thinking of them right in the middle of what ever they are doing.  Or that sharing what you are reading with the person next to you, also reading, is sharing love.  So we are always at odds...he is being loving and I think he is being inconsiderate.  Another backfire of the golden rule.  But I guess by the Golden Rule...I should respond with love and patience because that is how I would want someone to respond to me if I were doing something seemingly inconsiderate but with good intentions.

So I think the Golden rule should actually read, "Treat others as they would want to be treated."  I know that makes it a little more complicated because it's really hard to know how others want to be treated.  So I'll give you a concession...for perfect strangers and acquaintances the Golden Rule holds true.  But when dealing with the people closest to you, when it's more than a matter of I'll be nice to you because I want you to be nice to me, we should try to treat them the way they would like to be treated.